Let's go over the benefits of marriage for a guy real quick:

1. You get to lock up your dick to a girl that has already fucked 10 other guys. The ultimate in sloppy seconds.

2. No more blowjobs.

3. Half your assets get to support her taco bell addiction.

Let's add the "you have to worry that your bitch is fucking the 11th other guy because she feels entitled to an affair."

http://lifestyle.msn.com/relationships/articlematch.aspx?cp-documentid=8424972&GT1=32023.

So, in short, marriage now means that guy gets to pay half his net worth for the privelege of eating the soggy biscuit AND he has to worry that some guy is making it soggier while it's in his mouth. Woohoo! BUY BUY BUY!

In a recent ABC interview, he all but said he didn't think Obama was qualified to be president. Some say he's just bitter over the primaries. I think he's just smart.

He knows the democrats made a huge blunder nominating that ultra-left raghead socialist over his wife. Obama will get blown out in November. Hilary could have won.

Clinton was a great president. Socially liberal, but economically CONSERVATIVE. He expanded free trade. He ended welfare. Tax rates were higher, but they balanced the budget. They were designed to keep long term interest rates down, not be part of some grand social experiment to redistribute wealth.

Hilary should avoid campaigning with Obama. She has a chance in 2012. That is, of course, if the democrats learn their lesson that the silent majority still hates you left-wing idiots. The silent majority can see through you. The silent majority will vote against you.

Get a job and take a shower, you filthy college students. No one likes you but your own kind.

If there's one sad thing about America, it's how much of risk-averse pussies people have become. Why do you think there's a growth in people going to law school and graduate school? It's because people are too afraid to get a job on their own and support themselves.

The people going to law school are the absolute worst. Not only are they afraid to work, they have no idea what they may want to work at eventually, so they just sissy out and go to law school.

The only group of graduate school students I respect are medical school students. While a lot of them went to medical school for the wrong reasons, at least doctors have to take responsibility for their decisions. They have to figure out what sort of problem is facing a person (much like a business person has to figure out what is going wrong with the business). If the doctor is wrong, the patient dies...just like if the businessman fucks up, his business dies. 

Is it any wonder college students and other worthless people support Hussein? It's because you've never worked a day in your life, and you're afraid that the social welfare system you are on (your parents) may dry up eventually, so you want some other social welfare system (the government).

What you idiots fail to understand is that taxing "the rich" doesn't help the poor and the worthless, like you. Wealth is created through innovation and making society more efficient. Look at how far we've come from the cavemen days. That happens because people build a better society.

The way to incentivize people to make things more efficient and improve society is to reward them for helping society. That's why Google's founders are billionaires. Yes, even someone like I have helped society. Not as much as Google's founders, but I found ways to improve people's lives. With pokertips, I created an easy way for people to get poker information on the Internet and then in multiple languages. What have you ever done?

With WM Media, I have made it easier for people to sell their website and get cash with a very illiquid asset. This is particularly helpful to people who need cash for major life situations, like a wedding or purchasing a home. What have you ever done?

You see, if the government takes all my money, I have no incentive to do this. I might as well retire or move out of the country. That's why Europe sucks, and that's why the US will suck too if Hussein is elected.

You people don't innately understand this since you have been on welfare your whole lives. Hell, I know of people that love welfare so much, that they couldn't wait to sell their own business so they could run back to school and be back in risk-free land.

You all are pathetic. You just want your whole lives to be written for you. Guess what. No one lives forever. Take a chance. Fuck a stripper. Do something with your life.

I Have Two Cars.

I don’t get it. Every now and then, people imply that I’m some sort of arrogant asshole, or that my “MichaelJCohen.com” personality is somehow…conceited.

Cmon people, if you were Michael J. Cohen, owner of MichaelJCohen.com, how would you act?

I’m fucking modest. When I hang out with people I know, I let them talk for themselves. I listen to what they say, and I sometimes even respond. Once in awhile, I let my friends (I use this term loosely of course) choose where we go to dinner. I mean…I let you decide where Michael J. Cohen will eat!

I have two cars, yes two. They are on the right. My backup car is nicer than your only car, but I don’t mention that when we hang out...at least not very often. I even let your drive me in your car, and I will sometimes even sit in the back seat. Cmon people, if you were Michael J. Cohen, would you ever sit in the back seat. Fuck no you wouldn’t.

I let bitches talk about marriage and shit. It’s cute. I’ve started two separate internet businesses that each on their own make 25k+ a month. I don’t talk about it that much though. Instead, I let you talk about what wedding dress you are buying and how you are excited about teaching 3rd grade instead of 4th grade.

Let’s get one thing straight people. I’m one modest mother fucker.

I was talking to my tall, orange-haired roommate tonight about wedding dresses. One thing I don't understand is why women continue to wear white wedding dresses. After all, the reason the wedding dress is traditionally white is because white is a symbol of purity, and the bride is supposed to be "pure" (i.e. not fucked before).

But, as we all know, your average woman has seen her fair share of penis by the time of marriage. White, black, brown, yellow, tall, short, collared, and sleeveless. The average woman now claims 10 lifetime sex partners, and the people taking the survey suspected women were underestimating since straight men reported more (ladies: remember that time you fucked the go-go dancer, it does  count).

Anyways, we obviously need to make a modification to the typical bride's dress. I propose a girl should wear a black stripe for every guy besides the groom she fucked. This is only fair to the girl's father, who is spending $20k+ on this event; he should finally get to know the answer to the question he's always been afraid to ask.

For many girls, so many stripes would be needed that it would be practically impossible to make the dress. For these girls, they should just save the embarassment and just wear a black dress. Yes, black dresses are typically used at funerals.

But let's face it, the metaphor works. Weddings are basically funerals for the groom these days.

When people lose touch for an extended period of time, there's always the lingering thoughts of whether one party is purposefully avoiding the other person or if both people just happen to be busy and time just goes by.

If you are ever wondering whether or not I am avoiding you, ask yourself if you fall into any of the categories below. If you do, then yes, I am avoiding you. If you do not, then maybe we've just lost touch.

Guys I avoid:

1. Whining pussies. It's cute to be a whiny bitch in high school, but by your mid 20's, it's just pathetic. Grow a pair. If I wanted to listen to complaining, I'd talk to a girl. A quick test to know if you are a whiny pussy is if you are voting for Barack Obama. If you are neither black nor Muslim and are voting for Obama, then you are for sure a pussy.

2. Liabilities. I'm too rich to hang and deal with guys that are prone to getting into trouble or causing problems. Grow up. Getting laid just isn't worth it.

Girls I avoid:

1. Girls that overvalue themselves. "Look at me, I graduated with a 3.4 at UT and am going to UH law school and I have this amazing internship and I have a B cup with a doable face." Get over yourself. After you've been fucked and dumped for a few times, worked in the real world for a few years, you may finally realize your place in society. Then we can talk again.

2. Girls that are very annoying. Not too many girls fall into this category, since my annoying tolerance is actually pretty high. But it nevertheless must be included.

Women have to worry about their ass, boobs, makes sure they're not fat, etc. There's so many different physical features they have to worry about, it makes them perpetualy insecure, which is of course, amazingly awesome.

Now, with guys, we should be worried about stuff like our muscles or our gut, but most just worry about their dick sizes. I'm not going to post statistics or talk about size differences among ethnic groups. That's what Google's for. Let's just talk about the signs of a large penis.

First though, the following are NOT signs you have a large penis.

1. Your first girlfriend tells you that you have a large penis. What the fuck does she know? A girl needs to fuck at least 5 different dicks before she catches on. Half my female friends didn't even know their first boyfriends were uncircumsized until they sucked n fucked penis #4.

2. A hooker tells you that you have a hot, large penis. She is just trying to get a better tip. Big penises are not hooker friends, they are hooker enemies. A guy with a small penis who cums in 2 min is fantastic, a hooker can fit 30 of those guys in a day. Some guy with a large penis who is taking anti-anxiety drugs and destroys her for an hour means lost business. The hooker is done for the rest of the night. She is both mentally and physically destroyed for the day.

3. When asking a former girlfriend what she thought of your penis, she says something like "oh, it's nice" or "oh, I never really thought about it that much." This means you have a small penis.

Here's a short list of signs you may have a large penis:

1. Your girlfriend does not want to have to have sex with you often, even though she enjoys it a lot. This means it's enjoyable (you're doing your job), but because you are so large, it is also painful (again, you are doing your job).

2. You break standard size condoms sometimes.

3. Hookers grimace at the thought of having sex with you. If they're smart, they'd ask for more money due to future lost business. But, that goes against hooker etiquette, most likely because whoever invented hooker etiquette had a large penis.

Soon, I will introduce a series of MichaelJCohen.com posts of groups of people that are worthless.

To be clear though, I want to define what is worthless. By worthless, I mean their lives have absolutely no value or even negative value. They aren't just overvalued; they actually are completely worthless.

For example, a hot bitchy girl isn't completely worthless. She does have a few functioning wholes and she is decent to look at. So she has value. However, the annoynace of having to deal with her is not worth her value, so she is overvalued. 

I will make a few posts about overvalued groups of people too, but let's just stick with the completely worthless groups of people aet first, such as liberal arts college professors.

Probably not, but hopefully some negative stuff about Barack Obama might finally get into the top 20, who knows perhaps the top 10 on the major search engines for terms like Barack Obama. There's plenty of stuff out there for 'Barack Hussein Obama;' we just need to take it more mainstream :) I'd hope it would get high for the Obama term too, but that's a bit hard.

You'd think the Osama backers might try to do this themselves, but none of them are both rich/smart enough to pull it off (there aren't many good McCain bashing sites anyways). It's all 'wahhh wahhh I hate Bush wahhh wahhh.'

Obama will be the worst president in modern American history

Since Lyndon Johnson, we’ve only had two democratic presidents, Jimmy Carter and Bill Clinton. Bubba was very moderate and actually quite conservative on economic issues (pro free-trade, eliminating welfare). Carter, on the other hand, was a psycho-liberal and complete failure.

Obama’s ideology is the same as the Carter camp, which is the same bull shit you see in any political science department at a liberal university. Rich people are evil, oil companies are evil, everyone is a victim, let’s all hold hands and cry. For this group, basic economic principles are always sacrificed for political ideology.

Obama will significantly fuck-up America in two areas: our economy and Iran

I- Economy

A. Obama’s idea of helping the economy is taxing the rich and other ‘bad people.’ He buys into the leftist fallacy that if you are rich, you must have done something wrong. For example, the guys that made Google are evil sons of bitches that deserve to die since they have a lot of money. Who cares that they revolutionized the way we find information. THEY’RE EVIL DAMNIT, GIVE THE GOVERNMENT ALL YOUR MONIEZ!!!

Anyway, creating hardship on the most economically enhancing members of society in no way increases economic efficiency and output. In contrast, by putting an extreme tax burden on small businesses, he guarantees a recession. People making $250,000+ a year aren’t evil misers laughing evilly at the toiling poor; they produce the most economic efficiency in American society. They are the ones who expand their businesses and create jobs. Of course, most leftists like Obama have absolutely no experience at a ‘for-profit’ job since profit is evil to them.

B. Obama is in favor of ‘windfall profits’ taxes and other mechanisms that will shrink our oil supply further. As an extension to that, he seems to be in favor of price controls and other governmental mechanisms to guarantee an oil shortage. He’d use whatever money to put into ‘happy energy’ and ‘hope.’ Hope all you liberal idiots enjoy your hope when you’re waiting 2 hours to fill up your gasoline because of oil shortages. If you’re crying over $4 gas, you aint seen nothing yet.

C. Obama is in favor of other governmental regulations that will constrain and possibly bankrupt businesses. He’s very much against ‘predatory lending,’ meaning poor people will no longer be able to get credit anymore at all since lending institutions cannot charge them an interest rate that reflects the risk to lend to them. It’s amazing that someone who is as ‘smart’ as Obama doesn’t realize that the subprime crisis fucked over the lenders just as much (if not more) than the borrowers. But Obama doesn’t care about them, b/c they are big bad evil banks, and he only cares about the middle class family who bought a house that was a little too big in an area that was overpriced.

D. Obama will raise the capital gains taxes. Now, we can handle capital gains tax going back to 20% for sure, but when we factor in all the other hardships Obama is inflicting on business, Obama’s talk of 28% capital gains tax is going to induce an investor panic. I wouldn’t want to have any money in the market come Summer 2009 for sure.

Prediction: S&P -20% or more in Obama’s first year as president, flat to slightly negative the second year. Republicans pick up many seats in midterm election.

II- Iran

Just because it wasn’t a great idea to invade Iraq doesn’t mean that the correct response is to withdraw our troops immediately. Casualties right now are running between 20-50 a month. During the Vietnam war, casualties during the peak of the war were consistently above 1000 a month. Casualties during the peak of the Iraq war were at around 100 a month but have dropped considerably since the surge (which McCain pushed for and Obama opposed since Obama is a political idealogue that doesn‘t care about real-world, actual results).

According to Obama, he’d have all combat troops out of Iraq within 16 months. Great, so now Iraq gets to have a civil war because we, Americans, have become such pussies that we cannot handle a war that is about 2% of the Vietnam War. How do you think Iran will react to this?

Iran has made it clear that they are interested in acquiring nuclear weapons. Right now, they’re a little too afraid to be aggressive about it since our military is right next door! If we decide to suddenly bolt from Iraq, we send the signal that we are such pussies that we cannot handle any fight at all,.

Furthermore, we now have a leader who thinks he can hold hands and come to an understanding with people who think the Holocaust never existed, gays don’t exist in Iran, and Jews use Muslim people’s blood in their matzo (it’s what gives it flavor, yum yum). Quite frankly, Iran knows we are both too weak and too naïve to stop them.

This isn’t to say that Iran will do anything horrible for sure. It’s just that THEY CAN DO WHATEVER THE FUCK THEY WANT. They know we won’t do anything. We just left Iraq without finishing the job, and we have a leader who thinks the best way to deal with radical Islamic terrorists is to sit down and have a civilized debate about the issues. Iran will certainly pursue its nuclear program; they have no reason not to. Will they invade Iraq and occupy part of it? Maybe, if they want to. Right now, they won’t for sure because of the US response. However, since there will be no US response, it’s just a matter of if they want to, not if they can.

The point is that Iran can do whatever it wants under an Obama presidency. This doesn’t scare liberals because deep-down, they think everyone is a pussy just like them. Maybe Iran won’t do jack shit, but then again, maybe they will. Maybe they will create a nuclear weapon and sell it to terrorists…why the fuck not? Maybe they will invade Iraq and destabilize the region, causing god knows what other problems. I’m not saying anything will happen, it just has a significantly increased chance under an Obama administration.

Obama and the other leftists have a skewed view of the risk/reward when it comes to this area. The only thing that is clear is that Obama is perfectly willing to give Iran free reign in exchange for saving 20-50 lives in the near-term. Giving Iran free reign may turn out to be harmless, but then again, it may not. Nevertheless, Obama totally discounts the chance that thousands, perhaps millions could die due to the short-sightedness of his actions.

Now, I have another prediction though, none of this will ever happen because Barack Hussein Obama will not be our next president. There’s a couple reasons for this:

1. No one likes Barack’s base. Yes, that’s you left-wing intellectuals. No one likes you. Your boy George McGovern only won one state. Dukakis got his ass handed to him by Bush. Carter won, but that’s only because people didn’t realize he was the psycho that he was (and he got crushed in the second election). While Barack will get the black vote, blacks vote overwhelmingly democrat anyways, so that’s a wash.

2. Barack has unified the Republican party. Think the base that elected Bush won’t show up? They think Barack is the anti-Christ. Ever seen the movie Left Behind? Guess which character Barack is in that movie (and I can’t say I totally blame the Religious Right for thinking this way).

3. Barack has so many skeletons in his closet, the attack ads write themselves. Barack Hussein Obama, whose mentor decrise “God Damn America,” who got his political start with help from Bill Ayers (an anti-war terrorist from the 60’s), who’s buddy buddy with the PLO-supporting Rashid Khalid (who brought Ahmadinejad to speak at Columbia….wonder if Obama wanted to have a friendly chat with him then too?) All Republicans have to do is play the tape of the Hamas elucidating their support for Obama, show an image of a Trojan Horse, and then Jeremiah Wright saying “God Damn America.” Game Over Flip.

4. Hilary supporters in the primaries weren’t so much supporters of Hilary but haters of Obama. Poor white folk? They sure as shit aint voting for Hussein Obama. Expect to see Hispanics (who aren‘t exactly huge fans of blacks too…the race card plays both ways), Jews (if Hamas supports  him, he can’t be that great for Israel), and old people (not voting for some inexperienced whipper snapper) come out in support of McCain.

Prediction: McCain trounces Obama. McCain takes the Bush states, Pennsylvania, and at least one of the following: California, Connecticut, Vermont, and Michigan.

Please note: If some of you hate me now because of this post, you must realize that I don't give a shit about any of you. I have too much money and there are way too many hookers to bother talking and spending any time with you.

Friend of the Week: Jenna H. Cohen

While I normally exclude friends and family members from the Friend of the Week, I made an exception this week. Apparently, I’m not the lone fighter of the copper wars in this world. Jenna H. Cohen (aka Little Sister) is also struggling with the earthly beast.

This is a special struggle for Ms. Cohen indeed, since she is going to have to limit her one true love in life, chocolate. No, not black guys; they are still fair game.

We all know what's been going down. MichaelJCohen.com has been hated on lately because of all the copper in the world. It's been keeping MichaelJCohen.com from getting the update and love that it deserves. But, fear no more, my friends. MichaelJCohen.com is back in full throttle. We are now winning the war against the haters (specifically, copper). So I'd like to dedicate this first revitilized MichaelJCohen.com post as a rap ode to our savior, trientine:

Lobster, chocolate, mushrroms all around
Trying to keep the MichaelJCohen.com down
Haters trying to screw my shit up
But they can't cuz my trientine's all iced up

Bitch, I got ice on my trientine
Ice on my trientine
Cuz you know I got ice on my trientine
Ice on my trientine

The copper's been hating on me for 25 years, 25 years
Bitch, you get born with some fucked up ATP7B you got 25 years
But I can store it, you know it
I pee it all out cuz I pennies aint got shit on me
Haters trying to screw my shit up
But they can't cuz my trientine's all iced up

Bitch, I got ice on my trientine
Ice on my trientine
Cuz you know I got ice on my trientine
Ice on my trientine

You pee H20, I pee Lincolns
You wipe Charmin, I wipe Franklins
You pop xanax, I'm pop syprine
You know it, it's that sweet smell of iced out trientine

Friend of the Week: Matt Ehmer

Matt wins this week's Friend of the Week due to his insightful suggestion to bring my future, silicone-based friend to Lakewood Church.

JMike gets an honorable mention for suggesting taking her to future Better Trades meetings. I'll need to consult with Tonya (aka The Doll) before making any investment decisions. I'm sure the people at Better Trades will understand.

Oh, and for all of you who are reading this entry and don't know what the hell I'm referring to, it's really NMP.

I feel like hypochondria gets a bad rap in today's society. Most people view these sorts of people as whining about made up diseases, ramping up health care costs, etc. To me, I view my fellow health-anxiety stricken brethren as simply in a high-stakes gambling match with a disease that they most likely don't have but feel that underdogs sometimes win (or at least cover the spread).

For example, let's say you are diagnosed with mild liver abnormality. Most likely it's ok, but there's an offbeat chance you may eventually have a complication that results in internal bleeding. Your tell is that your poop will become all black and tarry.

Now, in this situation, every time you have a nice brown poop, you have a sense of victory. Your average day chump will snicker at the hypochondriac's glee at simply having a normal poop. The chump will think "Look at that guy...so happy he can poop normal. I might make six figures next year. I'm so cool with my six figures; I can now finally have the money to buy that wedding ring for Cynthia, maybe she'll finally let me put it in her ass just once. Oh, and go Cowboys!"

Listen, chumps. MichaelJCohen.com shits 6 figures a year.

So really, what is the bigger accomplishment? Quite frankly, at least the hypochondriac is gambling, and gambling is a MichaelJCohen.com approved activity. Feeling accomplished for making a mild amount of chump money is not a MichaelJCohen.com approved activity.

Friend of the Week: Ira Utay

I havenÂ’t had a Friend of the Week in awhile, mainly because all of you are worthless and do not deserve such a prestigious title.

However, this changed this weekend. Ira clearly deserved the title based on his heroic performance and endurance at the craps table in Vegas.

As many of you know, for my 25th birthday, I planned on winning or losing $25k at the craps table at the Casino Royale in Vegas. Things did not start out well for Michael J. Cohen. The table was consistently crapping out, and my initial buying of $25k was whittled down to my last bet ($2300) within an hour and a half.

On that last roll, I was betting on my fellow Jew, Ira. If Ira was able to hit a 9 before a 7, I would increase my roll up to about $6k. Otherwise, it was busto for me. Luckily, Ira came through and in fact put me up to about $9k.

Lots of craps playing ensued. I often found myself in the $5-$15k range. It wasnÂ’t until about 3:30 that a woman in red rolled me from $10k up to $30k and a short, stocky Asian man rolled me up to $42k. The $50k was in my sight, but alas, it quickly fell into a distance.

It took only half an hour for my chips to go down to $20k. At this point, Michael J. CohenÂ’s Tall, Oranged-Haired Roommate, Michael J. CohenÂ’s Girlfriend, and JMike had all drunkenly stumbled back since they did not have the Gamble in them. Only Ira was still there with me. Both resolved to stay there until I hit 0 or $50k.

At about 4:30, I was back to about $25k. By this time, only Ira, me, and one random guy that had $50 in chips but wasnÂ’t betting was at the table. They handed the dice to me. I rolled a 9Â…..hit my 9. Boom, $3750. Rolled a 4Â…hit my 4, another $5k. Rolled another 9Â…hit another 9, $3750. Rolled a 5Â…hit my 5, $3750. Rolled a 10Â…hit my 10, $5k. Rolled a 8Â…hit my 8, $3k. Rolled a 9Â…hit my 9, $3750. Then I finally crapped out (-$2500).

I tallied up my chips and realized that I was just barely over the $50k mark. After about 5 hours of crazy swings that just got me back to even, I won the $25k in about 20 minutes of my own rolling. The reason it took so long was because I needed to wait until only Jews were betting at the table so we could unleash our powerful Jew force to make the dice roll our way.

Drayton fired a dumbass GM and a dumbas mustache head coach and in turn just hired two other idiots. I am officially no longer an Astros fan. By that, I mean I will no longer bet on the Astros to win the WS; I'll bet on some other team.

The Astros are what happens when you have an owner who only cares about who will kiss his ass, and managers that don't care about statistics but rather care about their 'gut' and their 'feel of the game.' We got lucky in 2004 and 2005. The Astros have a big budget, and they were even able to get a discount on some key pitchers since they're from Houston.

Give me a couple of 30-something stat geeks to run a baseball team any day.

Stat geek run teams that may have good value to bet on next year look like the A's and maybe even the Pirates. The Pirates recently hired some nerd to be their GM; however, it's not clear if they're fire their dumbass head coach. If they do, plopping some money on them to win it might not be a bad idea. The odds will be tremendous, though it will probably be a few years before the stat geek GM can do anything with that abomination of a team.

Since $1k is less than what I blow in a typical month at a Houston-area gay club, I've decided to up the challenge to $2500. Not that it matters, since no one in the Western hemisphere can challenge my Crazy Taxi skills (I'm wary of 16 year-old Korean guys beating me, but I don't think they'll make it to the Bissonet/Weslayen Skeeter's in time to beat the challenge, so all I have to beat is the rest of you fuckers who have no chance at taking me down at Crazy Taxi.)

I was at the Skeeter's at Bissonet/Weslayen today when lo and behold, I noticed they had a Crazy Taxi machine. As everyone knows, my Crazy Taxi skills are of worldwide fame since 2005 when I set the record at the Northwestern University Student Union machine by edging out DAK (DAK's girlfriend then dumped him so she could have a shot at me, but I passed).

I played a game at Skeeter's and scored a measly 11,500, which is not a good score for me but not terrible considering the scoring of that machine was a bit difficult and I haven't played the game much in over a year. I got second place on the machine.

I waited around to see what stallion could ever beat me at Crazy Taxi, and it turned out his initials are:

MJC

Yes, I set the high score on the machine well over a year ago, and it is still there. The score was about 13,500, which again, isn't that amazing of a score.

So here's the challenge. Whoever has the highest score on the Crazy Taxi machine at the Skeeter's on Bissonet/Weslayen on Dec 20, 2007 gets $1000 (provided Skeeters doesn't remove the machine or otherwise unplug it so it removes my high score). This gives you assholes 3 months to train and try to beat my score.

I will likely still play the machine weekly, so the bar might get raised. Nevertheless, there's $1k out there for anyone with the balls and skills to take the high score spot and retain it by Dec 20.

Today, the state of Texas will execute a man who everyone agrees never killed anyone.

In 1996, Kenneth Foster and three of his friends got high and went around robbing people at gunpoint Later that night, they followed a girl home since she was hot and they were high.

When they arrived at her house, Foster's friend jumped out of the car and approached the girl. He attempted to hit on her, and she just ran into the house. He then attempted to rob her boyfriend, Michael Lahood. The robbery didn't go well and Foster's friend shot and killed Lahood.

Foster and his two friends were about 80 feet away in a car during the whole event. Foster and the shooter were both convicted of murder and sentenced to death.

Tomorrow, Foster will die even though he never killed anyone and never plotted to kill anyone. We utilize this style of justice in Texas since we hate poor people, especially poor black people. If Foster had $100k in the bank (or was at least white), he probably would have just gotten a jail sentence.

To keep things clear, Foster isn't an innocent man being put to death. He and his friends are a bunch of bad dudes. Foster himself had shot at and almost killed two people previously in 1994, when he basically randomly shot at a car. Chances are, this guy was going to be in jail for the rest of his life for some crime unless he had some religious awakening or won the lottery or something.

Nevertheless, there needs to be a clear line where we allow the death penalty. At the very least, it should be required that the person killed someone to get the death penalty.

Here's a news article about this travesty.

Better Trades was everything I expected....and more! Here's aconversation I had with a representative of theirs after their presentation.

Click here to listen (about 13 min total)

I'll create a shorter version with the best lines at some point when I'm bored and have nothing else to do.

There are two things men strive for in life: money and sex.

Since I have both of these, it's difficult for me to entertain myself nowadays. Playing the 100X trick can only get me off so much, so I've been on a lookout for a new way to entertain myself.

Alas, I have found it. Over the next three months, I am going to get my shitsand giggles by getting hard sold by modern day snake oil salesmen. These rip-off artists are prevalent in today's society in a variety of ways. For me, I plan on attending as many time share presentations andstock market workshops as possible.

Tomorrow (well later today really), I will be going to a free seminar for bettertrades.com(http://www.ripoffreport.com/reports/0/176/RipOff0176565.htm). I'm not sure if you've seen the ads for places like this, but they wet people's greed by showing testimonials from people that "made $3000 in one trade" and "made 100% return on his investments last month." I don't think anything more needs to be said for who these people's target audience is.

Basically, BetterTrades suckers people in byoffering a free seminar (which I'll be going to). The seminar will likely last between 2-2.5 hours. At the end, they'll begin pressuring us into buying worthless $3000 sessions as well as paying exorbitantfees for worthless software and other bad advice. Many people are unfortunately suckered into paying up to $10k for shit like this.

No, I'm not going to attempt to save foolish idiots from wasting their money on a stock spam. I'm just going to entertain myself. If I was some super-liberal douchebag, I'd be going on and on about how the consumer needs to be on the lookout and I'm taking a small step in the right direction for society.

But if I said that, I'd be lying. I'm just going to be a jackass and find a new way to entertain myself besides having three Thai hookers lick my asshole while I do cocaine lines.

Friend of the Week: Katy Rosenthal

This week's Friend of the Week is Katy Rosenthal. For some unknown reason, Katy agreed to take care of The Dog for 10 days while Michael J Cohen's tall, orange-haired roommate and I were in Vegas.

Katy almost jeopardized her Friend of the Week status by dropping of her small animal to play with The Dog while she was away at work for a long day. But then Michael J. Cohen realized this presents himself with a situation where he can play the peanut butter game with two dogs at once, so the more the merrier.

Good Game, Vegas.

We've all done it. You're in Vegas. It's 2 am. You've just lost $21,000 playing craps. You're feeling lonely. Your chlamydia has cleared up, but there's no one to share your hot tub in your Presidential Suite. You try to grab a drink from your cellar, but you realize you've just ran out of Dom P.

You decide to call 702-HOTBABE. In about 45 minutes, a chick arrives at the door. The two of you begin to negotiate. You decide to settle on the full treatment with a firey blastaway to throw in a sense of adventure.

The two of you strip and head to the hot tub. You get in, and then you look down and realize:

SHIT, I JUST PAID $1400 TO FUCK A TRANNY!

Good game, 702-HOTBABE, good game. Kick a dog while he's down by tricking him into getting the pre-op. So much for satisfaction guaranteed.

I can respect a good con, but what I don't understand is when these hooker agencies advertise the fact that they're going to send you a tranny. Just look to the right.

Most visitors who come to MichaelJCohen.com type the url intheir browser. This is to be expected, given the worldwideness ofMichaelJCohen.com's owner, Michael J. Cohen. Nevertheless, some people find thesite via Google or some other search engine. Here are the top search enginequeries people use to find MichaelJCohen.com (courtesy of Google Analytics).

1. michael j cohen
2. michael j. cohen
3. shonda mason
4. michael j.cohen
5. trisha lockhart
6. heather locklear
7. fing fang fu machinery
8. fellatio gai
9. david jewstein
10. "fuck and dump"
11. doctor nurses porn Eiffel tower
12. female doctor jacking-off man
13. boyfriend dislikes receiving fellatio
14. is the atlantis resort homophobic
15. women who get pregnant attending mandingo parties
    

What can we learn from this listÂ…and what the fuck is amandingo party?

First, one thing we can learn is that Shonda is the onlygirl mentioned on this site that has a significant stalker base. The rest ofyou girls are obviously not hot enough for the internet stalker crowd. Trygetting a tit job or dropping 10 pounds.

As for the rest of you sick mother fuckers that find mysite, I'll answer your questions that you are obviously searching Google for:

Doctor nurses pornEiffel tower: You obviously are looking for http://www.lauraappling.com/

Boyfriend dislikesreceiving fellatio: It's because you are bad at it. Less teeth, more deepthroat.

David Jewstein: Trysearching "lawyer" to find an attorney instead. Though David Jewsteinshould have worked.

Is the Atlantisresort homophobic: On a scale of 1-10, I'd give the Atlantis a 3 on thefabulousness scale.

I'd also like to point out the contest I held previously onMichaelJCohen.com that Catherine won. I'll likely hold more of these in thefuture. Just so you know, I never make a facebook/Myspace bulletin or whateverwhen I make these contests. You need to come here when you have Michael J.Cohen in your spirit, not when you mindless click on some Facebook post.

Update: Catherine wins the $100.

First person to call me and say "skeet, skeet, skeet" on the phone gets $100.

I'll post the winner as soon as someone wins.

If no winner has been posted yet...well, looks like you're in for some $$$.

Friend of the Week: Alabama (second worst state in the nation)

This weekend, Michael J. Cohen will head to Louisiana for a pokertournament. The decision to play in this tournament was not an easy one forMichael J. Cohen to make. You see, this tournament epitomizes a love/haterelationship, which is something I'm just not used toÂ….because well, ingeneral, I just hate everything. But in this case, I have strong feelings bothways.

Love: Gambling

Hate: Louisiana

Now, unless you have been living in a cave for the past fouryears, I think you know why I like the gambling. And unless you have beenliving in a cave for the past 200 years, you should probably know why I hate Louisiana.

It's the worst state in the nation, perhaps the world, barnone. Forget the fact that it's still on the Napoleonic code or allows itsmajor city to get washed away due to sheer incompetence. We can even look pastthat it is one of the most racist states in the nation.  A good example is case of Gary Tyler. Fucken scary how a bunch of inbred racists can easily ruin an innocent kid'slife.

The one thing we can't look past the inherent stupidity thatpermeates Louisiana.Most likely, Louisianais where that idiotic "Don't pump gas on May 15" chain letteroriginated. The fact that I did not personally receive this email from any ofyou assholes gives me confidence that you are intelligent enough to beaddressed by Michael J. Cohen. I trust that if any of you received this emailfrom any friends or family members, you promptly disassociated yourself withthem and hopefully castrated them. We really need to stop these people fromprocreating.

The sad reality though is these idiots procreate a lotbecause their lives are so lame that all they do is get married and havebabies.

Last week, Michael J. Cohen mistakenly visited Lakewood Church when he bought tickets to what he thought was a Rockets game. Turns out they were just front row seats at some Christian lovefest. Fucken Ebay.

Let me tell you about Lakewood Church. The church's congregation is a healthy sampling of Houstonians (i.e. plenty of minorities). When I first walked into Lakewood, I kinda giggled since I realized I definitely make more money than any of those other fools in the church, except for their Leader. This is a nice change from going to synagogue ,where at least a dozen or so of my fellow Jews are sure to have me clocked in that department.

Of course, this all has a downside too. If, god forbid, an assassination attempt was made on Michael J. Cohen at synagogue, I could be reassured that all the best doctors in the city were within 100 feet of me. But while at Lakewood, if I was stricken with a heart attack or just a really bad case of the sniffles, I donÂ’t like my chances of making it out of there.

Judging by the number of “Get out of debt now!” and “Christian debt relief services” meetings they host at Lakewood,  I was a bit shocked by the parking lot. Yes, the cars were mostly American made instead of German/Japanese like you would expect at Beth Yeshurun. But there was a severe lack of chrome. Apparently, Jesus doesnÂ’t approve of 22Â’s, but he definitely approves of gawdy jewelry and pumping out 20 kids, which seem to be the culprits for getting people into debt.

It seems that The Leader and the LeaderÂ’s Dripping Hot/Incredibly Dumb Wife are the main attractions of this church. I can see why many of those Christians buy The LeaderÂ’s book and listen to his jibber jabber. HeÂ’s a very cheerful guy. He gives hope and a life purpose to people that probably earn $6 an hour cleaning poop off of someoneÂ’s carpet.

What I donÂ’t understand is how anyone could listen to the LeaderÂ’s Dripping Hot/Incredibly Dumb Wife. Yes, there is a reason they put her on the stage, but thereÂ’s absolutely no reason to have her talk. I mean, thatÂ’s like chatting with a hooker about something besides price and anal or talking to a non-Jew about financial planning; why on earth would you ever want that? Shit, itÂ’s worse than having someone spill tang on your first class airplane seat.

I'm a caring person. I recognize that a large proportion of the MichaelJCohen.com readership is marriage-minded women, and I want to help you venomous bitches out. Over the next few weeks I'm going to give some tips about how to land (i.e. trap) a good guy into marriage.

To start, I want to make one thing clear: don't land an idiot. Unless you're 38 and your clock's alarm is about to burst, there's no point in marrying a dumbass. I think most of you know why, but for those of you who need it spelled out, here are two major reasons:

1. You will be poor, fat, and working hard. If you want to work the rest of your life, then marry idiot. Otherwise, marry a smart guy and make him work while you lay out at the pool (likely fucking the pool boy, you filthy slut).
   

2. Your kids will be stupid. Do you want to be the mom explaining how junior isn't attending college because "he needs to find himself and he just marches to his own drum and he'll go to technical school in a year or two when he's ready." No, we all know you want to be better than the other moms and not be laughed at behind your back while those fat, ugly bitches eat pounds and pounds of angel food cake while playing bridge (bunko on Thursdays).
   

In 99% of cases, I can tell if a guy is an idiot within 20 minutes of sober conversation. If you want to know for sure if a guy is an idiot, then the only way to know is to get him MichaelJCohen.com approved, which costs you 10% of your share of his assets (this fee is taken no matter if you get divorced or not).

Some of you bitches are too cheap to pay this fee, or you are just internet stalkers that I don't even know or like and are too ashamed to contact me. For you bitches, I'll give you a few tips about how to spot an idiot. So without further ado, here are the top 4 signs your boyfriend might be an idiot:
 

1. He's homophobic. Homophobia is the new racism. Unless your guy has had a traumatic experience being gang raped by a bunch of rabid homosexuals, there's no excuse for his homophobia. The "I don't approve of the culture" and the "it's just not natural" excuses are not logical; they are examples of a dumb boy trying to create sentences to explain how he hates gay people for no reason. If your boyfriend spouts these lines, you should judge him no differently than you judge your average buck-toothed, trailer inhabiting bigot. And yes, your chances of living in a trailer go up if you marry a homophobic guy.  Good luck with the hurricanes.

2. He is finding himself. It's cute for 14 year-olds, annoying for 18 year-olds, lame for 22 year-olds, and downright pathetic for 26 year-olds. If he is still finding himself, let him go rummaging through his apartment full of discarded pizza boxes and Keystone Light so he can "find himself" and get back to you.

3. He didn't go to or finish college. This isn't the 1930's. Everyone goes to college if they are born in the United States. If you seriously date guys that didn't even finish college, all of us rich, smart guys will view you as fuck-and-dump sluts; which, by the way, is what I view all of you since I am Michael J. Cohen, owner of MichaelJCohen.com.

4. He justifies his opinions based on his emotions. Examples include: "I don't know about that candidate, I just get this bad feeling about him" or "I know it's not right, but I just had a feeling that if I doubled down on that twelve, I would win."  Look, if you want to marry a dumb woman, then at least find yourself a hot lesbian. Otherwise, your boyfriend  is basically just a fat Sunday School marm with a penis.

Me: Christina, you have to understand, you're a higher level of animal than The Dog.

Christina: No, I'm not.

Friend of the Week: Ching Chong

This week's Friend of the Week is Ching Chong (aka Patty). Here is why:

1. Pity. Ching Chong does not seem to have good luck at credit card roulette. Both times we have played the game, her credit card was drawn. I don't really pity her for this, since after all, she was always graced with Michael J. Cohen's presence at these meals. But I do pity her since she is kinda small.
   

2. Affirmative action. My lawyer advised me to throw up a few more minorities as friends of the week to prove that Michael J. Cohen is in fact "worldwide," and not just "crackerwide."
   

3. Safety. Apparently, Ching Chong lives with her two sisters. While Michael J. Cohen can obviously handle up to 8 Asian girls at one time, he's not so good when three or more are of the same familial variety. They say what happens in Bangkok stays in Bangkok, but no, it really doesn't. Especially when there are bruises and then you use that syrup they tell you gets rid of the bruises doesn't get rid of the bruises and it actually stains you and then Michael J. Cohen's Girlfriend is like "WTF IS THAT?!" and you're like "Uhhhh, it's a birthmark" and she's like "But why is it moving!" and then you have to tell her it's a Jewish thing.

Catherine Krause

Catherine proved she actually has value as a friend this past week, unlike most of you worthless assholes. I could go into the details about why she is the Friend of the Week, but maybe instead you should be asking yourself why you aren't friend of the week?

For years, when I heard the term "Jesus Cow," I immediately thought of a fat middle-aged white woman. You know, the type that used to be attractive in her 20's, trapped some poor schmuck into marriage, moved Outside the Beltway, and then started eating fried chicken and ice cream like it was her job. Now, she has nothing better to do in her life than drive poorly in her fat, GM-made SUV, nag her husband until he dies of a heart attack, think about Jesus, talk about Jesus, and wonder when Jesus will fly down from the clouds and take her to Heaven, where she can gossip all day about how the neighbor's kid married a black man.

Recently, this all changed. Now, when I think of a "Jesus Cow," I think of this huge inflatable cow at a Chick-fil-A sponsored event. You see, Chick-fil-A is an Outer Beltway corporation that has a lot of stores Inside the Beltway, with one literally about 100 yards away from my beautiful, Jewish-approved residence. Every now and then, they sponsor a sort-of Jesus Fest, with some Jesus music, Jesus food, and Jesus shirts. All these little fucken Jesus kids that smell bad and are the poster children for the euthanasia movement attend this event. Just seeing them makes me want to Jew out, which for you Christians out there, means I run back to my apartment and chant a few Jewish prayers and then count my money.

And the main draw of the event, the huge Jesus Cow.

Ugh,  יִתְגַּדַּל וְיִתְקַדַּשׁ שְׁמֵהּ רַבָּ.

Chick-fil-A has this huge marketing program that features cows that say "eat more chick'n." At first I liked it since it had a Darwinian. But now, I realized what really happened.

All these Jesus Cow women were sick of their husbands leaving them for their hot secretaries (if they were rich) or perhaps just killing themselves (if they were poor). Therefore,  they needed to redefine the term Jesus Cow. These fat, worthless bitches then made a proposal with Chick-fil-A, where Chick-fil-A would create a marketing Jesus Cow in exchange for the fat women taking all their worthless children to Chick-fil-A at least three times a week. And now, Jesus Cow has a new meaning.

That or Chick-fil-A has just gotten really lame in their marketing.

Anyways, I'm very excited about this McDonald's Southern Style sandwich. Since I now have a self-imposed lifetime ban on Chick-fil-A, it's a nice alternative to the Chick-fil-A sandwich. The McDonald's sandwich has this sort of annoying middle school cafeteria aftertaste, but if I don't take a moral stand on this, can I really look at myself in the mirror in the morning?

Friend of the Week: George Washington

It's not something I'm proud of, but it turns out I'm a very charitable person. You see, when you're worldwide like me, you sometimes feel bad for all the little people out there. They live in Michael J. Cohen's world, but will always be the peons that they are and will never be worldwide like Michael J. Cohen.

Last week, I decided to be nice to a group of people. These people were mostly from Outside the Beltway, living their little Outside the Beltway lives, with their little Outside the Beltway jobs and their little Outside the Beltway dreams, such as opening a store that sells cracker jacks and twinkies and washing machines and makeshift games. Perhaps, if it's successful, they'll launch an internet storefront and then franchise a Dollar General so someday, maybe someday they can afford to buy grandma that double wide she's always wanted.

I didn't know who deserved the money the most, so I decided to just make it rain. For those of you who are not know what making it rain means, it's a term most often used in relation to a strip club. From a balcony, you throw money in the air which has the visual effect of appearing that it's raining money. Hence the term "make it rain on them hoes."

In this case, the hoes were the Outside the Beltway people at the Wild West. Here's a video of me making it rain.

This week's Friend of the Week is George Washington since he brought smiles to all of those people's little Outer Beltway faces.

Btw, The Dog has his own website. He's a disgruntled little mutt that clearly doesn't know his place in the world.

Friend of the Week: JMike

You know, I'm a really beautiful person. I've always known this, mainly because of my beautiful eyes and 10" penis. I have a confession to make: I don't look at porn. Never needed to. I just gaze into my beautiful green eyes in the mirror and magical fairies come jerk me off.

To be clear, I, make fairies come out of mirrors. That's how sexy I am.

On Monday, something important happened. As I was about to make love to myself, The Dog broke in and cock blocked me. I gave The Dog a nice kick and it shattered my mirror.

How sad; my mirror was broke. I looked down at the ground to see The Dog shaking in pain. Bad dog. In the reflection of its annoying little eyes, I was able to see my full body.

Wow. I knew I was a beast, but wow. Let's just say, if I was black and lived in America 200 years ago, I would fetch a mighty good price.

This week's Friend of the Week is JMike since he trains me and will be teaching me how to make it rain on them hoes.

Friend of the Week: Fing Fang Foon

Michael J. Cohen and Michael J. Cohen's tall, orange-haired roommate entertained the fab trio by giving them the full Houston experience, meaning a weekend of pure gluttony. Here's the amount of weight each of those fat asses put on this past weekend:

Asian Girl #1=Fing Fang Foon=Cathy (taller, bigger boobs, bitchier): +15 lb
Asian Girl #2=Ching Chong Chong=Patty (shorter, likes Jews with big fros that play the guitar): +9 lb
Imran: +2 lb (two pounds hadn't yet been purged when weights were taken)

This week's Friend of the Week is Fing Fang Foon (Asian Girl #1). At bowling, Michael J. Cohen bet Michael J. Cohen's tall, orange-haired roommate that Fing Fang Foon would outscore her sister, Ching Chong Chong (Asian Girl #2). It was a heated battle, filled with flying chopsticks and the occasional karate kick.

Going into the tenth frame, Chong had a small lead of five pens. After Ching Chong Chong spared, all hope seemed lost for Michael J. Cohen's wager. However, Chong threw a gutter in her final roll, leaving the door of hope opened. Apparently, Fing Fang Foon had mouthed an ancient curse threatening Ching Chong that she'd get a lousy B+ on her next math test if she hit any more pins, scaring the poor girl into throwing a gutter.

Fing Fang Foon stepped up to the plate in her tenth frame and threw a spare and then a nine, resulting in a Michael J. Cohen victory.

For her good work, Michael J. Cohen awarded Foon with a week's supply of food, meaning three bowls of rice and two chicken feet.

By the way, assholes, don't expect too many runner-ups from now on. I've been coddling you all too long by allowing two people to share in the joy of being considered a favorite. Go big or go home.

Friend of the Week: Layla

For those of you who are not aware of the Atlantis resort, let me briefly describe it to you. Basically, you spend $500 a night to stay in an average hotel room so your kid can go pee on a waterslide and Michael J. Cohen may then drunkenly slide down said waterslide.

Luckily, Michael J. Cohen's hotel room was paid for by a third party, as that money for the hotel room would come straight from his cocaine and hookers budget (note: Not his coked-out hookers budget, as that is a different budget entirely).

This week's Friend of the Week is Layla, a three-year-old human Michael J. Cohen met over dinner. I had quite an interesting conversation with Layla. It apparently talks very well for such a small human and has a lot to say, though It wasn't very loud, so I wasn't able to understand a lot of what It said. For awhile, I didn't really think I had a lot in common with It, until It mentioned that It liked ice cream…and as we all know, Michael J. Cohen loves his ice cream.

Especially when it's scooped by third world child labor.

There is no runner-up this week since the rest of you are all worthless.

Also, besides maintaining his website, MichaelJCohen.com, Michael J. Cohen has been very busy this week watching nurse porn at Laura Appling's website, LauraAppling.com. Apparently, that prediction came true a couple weeks ago. Jesus, $34.95 a month. Someone can pick up a tab or two at Chuy's…

Oh, and by the way, there are rumors that a former bridesmaid on MichaelJCohen.com is now in a relationship with someone "worth more than 100x Michael." I assume they mean Michael Puckett, some Christian that lives Outside the Beltway and eats beans out of a can for dinner while jacking off to the free preview at LauraAppling.com on his shitty dial-up connection from his trailer and sometimes it rains and gets his computer wet and then he can't jack off and instead watches Nascar. Goddamnit, Dog. Get off my leg. Fucken Dog, I'm gonna kick you in the lake. Damn Dog. And it's not even pinto beans, it's kidney beans, which as we all know, are poor people's beans.

Friend of the Week: Michael J. Cohen's Car Runner-Up: Trisha Lockhart

Let me make one thing clear. Michael J. Cohen's Car has deserved many a Friend of the Week, but to keep things interesting, I've given all of you worthless assholes a handicap.

Even though Michael J. Cohen's car was very impressive this week, any one of you still could have won when the handicap is factored in. Let's explore a few ways:

Laura: Next time you are being filmed in a nurse porn shoot, you could bring Michael J. Cohen a few of those yummy finger sandwiches they serve at porn shoots for the talent to snack onÂ…you know, provided those finger sandwiches weren't cummed on or anything.

Mariah: Instead of planning your May 2008 wedding, you could cook me up some enchiladas. Not fucking tamales, bitch. Enchiladas. You hear me, enchiladas. Also, they should not be cummed on.

Suzy: Cookie cake. Now.

Thomas: Name your next illegitimate child MichaelJCohen.com.

As you can see, food is a way to Michael J. Cohen's Friend of the Week. But there are other ways as well. Notably, somehow restraining The Dog's ability to speak.

Runner-up is Michael J. Cohen's hair stylist, Trisha. Not only did Trisha do a good job cutting my hair, she has a very impressive Myspace page. Note: only one friend. Respect, Trisha. Though, more respect if she had zero friends.

MATT CATHERINE

But alas, that would likely violate Michael J. Cohen's contract with Michael J. Cohen's girlfriend, so we will have none of that. Also, Michael J. Cohen is fearful of midgets and cannot knowingly produce something that would essentially be a living, breathing, talking midget.

Instead of having a Friend of the Week, Michael J. Cohen will instead highlight some of the better performances among you worthless assholes in the past couple of weeks.

During New Year's Eve, Matt went drink for drink with Michael J. Cohen, which is a feat generally only obtainable by aged, used-up crack whores and members of the Russian mafia. Credit deserves to go where credit is due, so credit will be given to Matt on MichaelJCohen.com.

We had a huge scare the past couple of days. Due to the holiday, The Dog was only able to be boarded a day after Michael J. Cohen's tall, orange-haired roommate left for Florida. The only available means of transport for The Dog would have been Michael J. Cohen's car, which is something that is just so horrible to imagine we shall not talk about it.

For a modest fee that Michael J. Cohen did not have to pay, Catherine volunteered to transport The Dog to the kennel. Close one.

Instead of talking about Michael J. Cohen's acquaintances, let's instead talk about a happier subject, gambling. Michael J. Cohen isn't just a pretty face, he's also the best oddsmaker in the world (he knows this because he's worldwide). Here are some odds for 2007.

By the way, for you gambling illiterate people, the way you read odds is you bet the second number to win the first number. For example, 5:1 means you bet $1 to win $5 (get six dollars back total). 1:8 means you bet $8 to win $1.

Mariah getting pregnant: 3:1

This is a tricky line to set. If Mariah was fully Hispanic, it would be much easier. However, we have to take into account which side of her, the Latina or the Cracker, will dominate in 2007.

Mariah strikes me as a fertile girl and has already shown that she will get pregnant in order to extort money out of a wealthy male. Due to her tendency to seem to date males with money, I think 3:1 might be a little too high, but we also have to take into account that part of any deal will be a non-disclosure agreement, so we may never know if she ever did in fact get knocked up.

Suzy Green/Chris Wolfe marriage 20:1

As we all know, at the withering old age of 23, Suzy Green's biological click is ticking. However, I think a marriage is unlikely in 2007 due to logistical reasons. Suzy Green will likely prefer a June wedding, which does not allow sufficient time for planning said marriage.

The Dog taking a swim in the lake 1:1

Michael J. Cohen has mixed emotions towards The Dog. If upon a bad day, The Dog angered Michael J. Cohen, there is a chance that Michael J. Cohen will punt the dog into the lake at his apartment complex.
Unfortunately, dogs can swim and The Dog is, after all, a dog.

Michael J. Cohen paying for a tit job 1:4

While Michael J. Cohen has already made offers for free tit jobs, he has not yet found a suitable Jew doctor to perform said tit jobs. After a few phone calls, this should be accomplished.

Michael J. Cohen getting a tit job for himself so he can feel himself up 9999999999:1

Listen you sick fucks, this isn't going to happen, even if Michael J. Cohen dreams about it every night, and even though it would be incredibly convenient for Michael J. Cohen and even though Michael J. Cohen would look super sexy in low cut shirts cuz you knowÂ…. No, just no.

WINNER: LISA GOLDMAN RUNNER-UP: DAVID IRISH

My only knock on Lisa is that she seems to actually like The Dog. I'm not sure why. I'm hoping her affection towards the beast is superficial, and she's secretly planning on somehow stealing and selling the dog to some raghead for $20 million, telling him he's Osama Bin Laden's dog.

Typically, females that repeat as friend of the week are eligible for an Eiffel Tower. Unfortunately though, Lisa is quite small and this sort of activity might result in significant injury. If Lisa were Christian, this wouldn't matter. However, since she is Jewish, we have to assume she knows a good Jewish lawyer, so we will wait until she puts on a few pounds before proceeding.

If it was any other week, Dave would have easily won. Not only is has he introduced me to the best $5 steak in the world, he is the official Michael J. Cohen guide to Vegas. Plus, I truly believe that Dave might be the anti-The Dog, and this I respect.

Why is Dave the anti-The Dog? Because I can smack The Dog across the face and he'll smile at me. If I smack Dave across the face, he'll smack me so hard with a 20 pound coupon book that I'll wake up thinking my name is Latisha. Also, Dave's coupon book comes in 9 flavors and is sold in 13 countries in 19 different languages, whereas The Dog's only flavor is Peter Pan.

Also, I should inform you worthless assholes that updates will come around the New Year, complete with predictions and odds of what will happen in your worthless asshole lives.

WINNER: LISA GOLDMAN RUNNER-UP: THOMAS SHEN

Thomas gets runner-up for entertaining me via IM while I was in Costa Rica. However, he made a few mistakes.

First, he IMed me early in the week. Michael J. Cohen announces his favorite on Monday (sometimes Sunday). Since Michael J. Cohen has an attention span similar to a cocker spaniel, it's best to get on his good side late in the week.

Second, I question Thomas's commitment to MichaelJCohen.com. I hope all of you learned your lesson from Catherine in Week 8, but apparently not. Now, check out thomasshen.com. Thomas, when you're the head of some hedge fund and you get a note demanding $10 million or else those pictures of you doing coke lines off of 3 dead hookers are posted at thomasshen.com, you know who to wire the money to.

Lisa is the winner of Week Nine. Lisa (aka my tall orange-haired roommate's Girl Jew) was clutch in two respects Saturday night. First, she was a designated driver (aka sucker), which means she is not worthless, unlike most of you people.

Second, Lisa provided key Jew support when I was surrounded by Christians. For most of the week, I was around my mom (aka Jew Mom), so when I got home my Christian-tolerating abilities were fairly weak due to lack of exercise. Alas, within 12 hours of my return, I was surrounded not by one, or two, but like 45 Christians in my home, one of whom actually lives and works outside the Beltway. Needless to say, Michael J. Cohen was incredibly fearful. When Lisa arrived, I felt much better about the situation. At first, I was skeptical that she was a phony Jew planted by the Christians, so I would let my guard down. However, while parking her car, Lisa's neuroticism shined through, and I knew I would be safe.

WINNER: SHONDA'S MOM RUNNER-UP: SHONDA MASON

Shonda's Mom is the winner for Week Eight. Shonda gets second place because she introduced me to Shonda's Mom.

Maybe if someone spent a little less time in the hospital and a little more time kissing Michael J. Cohen's butt by inviting him to Sushi happy hour and taking him on a tour of white trash East Texas and getting a big black boyfriend to protect Michael on said tour that could also talk to him about rims and hoes and also could share tips on avoiding paying child support since Michael J. Cohen was rated the world's 8th most virile man, she would be a bride for once instead of a bridesmaid.

In other news, MichaelJCohen.com will likely be undergoing a major makeover before the end of the year. Stay tuned.

WINNER: MICHELLE REINGOLD RUNNER-UP: SHONDA MASON

Shonda repeats as runner-up this past week. Not only does she empathize with my struggle of having to deal with a 3-series for the past two weeks instead of my 6-series, she also showed up at Zake, even though her roommate was infirmed with some sort of disease. She also told us funny stories. Michael likes funny stories....and boobs.

WINNER: SUZY GREEN RUNNER-UP: SHONDA MASON

Suzy was sure to include my full name on the cake. This way, all the bitches at the bowling alley know what name to scream when they go home to their overweight, balding husbands at night.

My runner-up for Week 3 is Shonda. Ms. Mason planned a very nice dinner prior to our trip to South Beach. She also looked hot in her Dorothy outfit. Yes, T&A earns you points towards becoming Michael's favorite. This may piss off all you uglies out there, but that's not my problem.

Btw, for all you Michael J. Cohen Favorite hopefuls, I'll be adding a new page this week letting you know what you can do to better your chances for becoming Michael's Favorite.